Dear Wife I ' m writing you this letter to tell you that I ' m leaving you forever. I ' ve been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.
You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
...................................
Dear Ex-Husband
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.
I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the £49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty quid from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lottery for ten million pounds, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a penny from me. So take care.
Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Cool Ones
Trouble
---------
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are extremely mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an evensterner tone, "Where is God?!"Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?!"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "what happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "Weare in BIG trouble this time. GOD is missing, and they think we did it!!!"
Sales call to the Pope
-------------------------
The top marketing director of Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers, 'Your Eminence, I have some business to discuss. We at Nescafe have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church . if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'."
The Pope looks outraged and thunders, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord, It must not be changed." Well," says the Nescafe man somewhat chastened, "We anticipated your reluctance. For this reason, and the importance of the Lord's prayer to all catholics, we will increase our offer to $300 million. All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to Give us this day our daily coffee'."
Again, even more sternly, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed."
Finally, the Nescafe director says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to your faith, we realise that tradition is ssential to your beliefs, we fully understand the importance of the word of the Lord .................but we do have one final offer. Please discuss it with your cardinals. We will donate $500 million to the great Catholic church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'. Please, please consider it." And he leaves.The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some Good news," he announces, "and some bad news .....The good news is, he continues to a hushed assembly, ' that the Church will get $ 500 million.""And what is the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal."Sadly" says the Pope, We would have to lose the Britannia Account!
Dont copy if you cannot paste
-----------------------------------
At training program for top management. A well-known motivational speaker gathering the entire crowd'sattention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman whowasn't my wife !" > The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "That woman was my mother!" The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which was well received.
About a week later, one of the top managers who had the training decidedto use that joke at his house. He tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It was a bit foggy to him. He said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms ofa woman who was not my wife!" Naturally, his wife was shell shocked, murmuring. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the secondhalf of the joke, the manager finally blurted out "... and I can'tremember who she was !"
As expected, he got thrashing of his life time.... Moral of the story: Don't copy if you can't paste
Confession of a kid
----------------------
Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was makingdinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time totell his mother what he wanted."Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Little Bobby was a bit of atroublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Bobby'smother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday.Little Bobby, of course, thought he did.Bobby's mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the lastyear. "Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved thisyear.Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike foryour birthday."
Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and satdown to write God a letter.
Letter 1:Dear God,I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bikefor my birthday. I want a red one.Your friend,BobbyBobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very goodboy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.
Letter 2:Dear God,This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year andI would like a red bike for my birthday.Thank you.Your friend BobbyBobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up theletter and started again.
Letter 3:Dear God,I have been an "OK "boy this year. I still would really like abike for my birthday.BobbyBobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So,Bobby wrote a fourth letter.
Letter 4:God,I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. Iwill be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please!Thank you,BobbyBobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to gethim a bike.
Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his momthat he wanted to go to church. Bobby's mother thought her plan hadworked, as Bobb looked very sad."Just be home in time for dinner," Bobby's mother told him.Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Bobby went into the church and up to the altar. Helooked around to see if anyone wasthere. Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Mary.
He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down thestreet, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his roomandsat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Bobby began to write hisletter to God.
Letter 5:God,I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN,SEND THE BIKE! !!!!!!!!!
Job Change
------------
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped few centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, and then the driver said: "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!".The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a van carrying dead Bodies for the last 25 years... "
Perfect Couple
-----------------
Once upon a time a married couple celebrated their 25th marriageanniversary. They had become famous in the city for not having a singleconflict in their period of 25 years. Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well known “happy going marriage”.
Editor: “Sir. It’s amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible?”
Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: “We had been to Shimla for honeymoon after marriage. Having selected the horse riding finally, we both started the ride on different horses. My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one.
On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over. Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse’s back and said ”This is your first time”. She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again. This time she again kept calm and said “This is your second time” and continued.
When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out the revolver from the purse and shot the horse dead !!I shouted at my wife: “What did you do you ? You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?” . She gave a silent look and said: “This is your first time!!!”.Husband: "That’s it. We are happily married ever after."
---------
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are extremely mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an evensterner tone, "Where is God?!"Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?!"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "what happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "Weare in BIG trouble this time. GOD is missing, and they think we did it!!!"
Sales call to the Pope
-------------------------
The top marketing director of Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers, 'Your Eminence, I have some business to discuss. We at Nescafe have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church . if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'."
The Pope looks outraged and thunders, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord, It must not be changed." Well," says the Nescafe man somewhat chastened, "We anticipated your reluctance. For this reason, and the importance of the Lord's prayer to all catholics, we will increase our offer to $300 million. All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to Give us this day our daily coffee'."
Again, even more sternly, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed."
Finally, the Nescafe director says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to your faith, we realise that tradition is ssential to your beliefs, we fully understand the importance of the word of the Lord .................but we do have one final offer. Please discuss it with your cardinals. We will donate $500 million to the great Catholic church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'. Please, please consider it." And he leaves.The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some Good news," he announces, "and some bad news .....The good news is, he continues to a hushed assembly, ' that the Church will get $ 500 million.""And what is the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal."Sadly" says the Pope, We would have to lose the Britannia Account!
Dont copy if you cannot paste
-----------------------------------
At training program for top management. A well-known motivational speaker gathering the entire crowd'sattention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman whowasn't my wife !" > The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "That woman was my mother!" The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which was well received.
About a week later, one of the top managers who had the training decidedto use that joke at his house. He tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It was a bit foggy to him. He said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms ofa woman who was not my wife!" Naturally, his wife was shell shocked, murmuring. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the secondhalf of the joke, the manager finally blurted out "... and I can'tremember who she was !"
As expected, he got thrashing of his life time.... Moral of the story: Don't copy if you can't paste
Confession of a kid
----------------------
Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was makingdinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time totell his mother what he wanted."Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Little Bobby was a bit of atroublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Bobby'smother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday.Little Bobby, of course, thought he did.Bobby's mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the lastyear. "Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved thisyear.Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike foryour birthday."
Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and satdown to write God a letter.
Letter 1:Dear God,I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bikefor my birthday. I want a red one.Your friend,BobbyBobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very goodboy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.
Letter 2:Dear God,This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year andI would like a red bike for my birthday.Thank you.Your friend BobbyBobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up theletter and started again.
Letter 3:Dear God,I have been an "OK "boy this year. I still would really like abike for my birthday.BobbyBobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So,Bobby wrote a fourth letter.
Letter 4:God,I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. Iwill be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please!Thank you,BobbyBobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to gethim a bike.
Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his momthat he wanted to go to church. Bobby's mother thought her plan hadworked, as Bobb looked very sad."Just be home in time for dinner," Bobby's mother told him.Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Bobby went into the church and up to the altar. Helooked around to see if anyone wasthere. Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Mary.
He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down thestreet, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his roomandsat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Bobby began to write hisletter to God.
Letter 5:God,I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN,SEND THE BIKE! !!!!!!!!!
Job Change
------------
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped few centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, and then the driver said: "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!".The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a van carrying dead Bodies for the last 25 years... "
Perfect Couple
-----------------
Once upon a time a married couple celebrated their 25th marriageanniversary. They had become famous in the city for not having a singleconflict in their period of 25 years. Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well known “happy going marriage”.
Editor: “Sir. It’s amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible?”
Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: “We had been to Shimla for honeymoon after marriage. Having selected the horse riding finally, we both started the ride on different horses. My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one.
On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over. Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse’s back and said ”This is your first time”. She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again. This time she again kept calm and said “This is your second time” and continued.
When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out the revolver from the purse and shot the horse dead !!I shouted at my wife: “What did you do you ? You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?” . She gave a silent look and said: “This is your first time!!!”.Husband: "That’s it. We are happily married ever after."
Fr(l)ying pan!!!
A man was sitting reading his paper when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan."What was that for?" the man asked.
The wife replied "That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket".
The man said "When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on". The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. She replied - "Your horse called up"
The wife replied "That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket".
The man said "When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on". The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. She replied - "Your horse called up"
The new bride
Monday: Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home.It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine though.
Tuesday: We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. But Tim happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. They both looked so startled when I served them, I think it was the salad.
Wednesday: I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the day. I can't say it improved the rice anyhow.
Thursday: Today Tim asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe.It said, prepare ingredients,then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the place for a garden and when I got one, I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there for over one hour so the dog would not take it. Tim came over and asked if I felt all right.I wonder why? He must be stressed at work, I'll try to be supportive.
Friday:Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did,to my mum's place. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again, it looked the same as when I left it.
Saturday:Tim went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found an old doll dress and it's little cute shoes. I thought the hen looked really cute.When Tim saw it, he started counting to ten. Either he was reallystressed because of his work, or he wanted the chicken to dance. When I asked him what was wrong he started crying and shouting out "why me? why me ?" Hmmm....It must be his job.
Tuesday: We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. But Tim happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. They both looked so startled when I served them, I think it was the salad.
Wednesday: I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the day. I can't say it improved the rice anyhow.
Thursday: Today Tim asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe.It said, prepare ingredients,then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the place for a garden and when I got one, I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there for over one hour so the dog would not take it. Tim came over and asked if I felt all right.I wonder why? He must be stressed at work, I'll try to be supportive.
Friday:Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did,to my mum's place. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again, it looked the same as when I left it.
Saturday:Tim went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found an old doll dress and it's little cute shoes. I thought the hen looked really cute.When Tim saw it, he started counting to ten. Either he was reallystressed because of his work, or he wanted the chicken to dance. When I asked him what was wrong he started crying and shouting out "why me? why me ?" Hmmm....It must be his job.
Funny label instructions
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.(Damn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.(the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."(and that would be how???.....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."(but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."(..and you thought????....)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."(but wouldn't this save me more time)?
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness..."(and...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."(as opposed to...what)?
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."(talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."(Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.(the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."(and that would be how???.....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."(but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."(..and you thought????....)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."(but wouldn't this save me more time)?
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness..."(and...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."(as opposed to...what)?
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."(talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."(Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
When the fight started?
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.' And then the fight started...
*************************************************************************************When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....
So, I took her to a gas station..
And then the fight started...
*************************************************************************************My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and my wife kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he satalone at a nearby table.
I asked my wife, 'Do you know him?'
'Yes,' She sighed, 'He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sobersince.'
'My God!' I said to my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
*************************************************************************************I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare,please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Naaah, she can order for herself." And then the fight started...
**************************************************
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....
************************************************************
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation."Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
************************************************************
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.. But, somehow I always had something else to take care offirst: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewingscissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. 'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said,'you might as well sweep the driveway.'
And then the fight started...
Dilbert's One Liner
1. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.
2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.
3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.
5. When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.
6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train.
7. Born free, taxed to death.
8. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
9. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.
10. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
12. It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.
13. I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.
14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.
17. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
18. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
19. Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!
20. If you can't convince them, confuse them.
21. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.
22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers
24. The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.
25. Someday is not a day of the week
26. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
27. To Err is human; to forgive is not a Company policy.
28. The road to success.... Is always under construction.
29. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.
30. In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.
31. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or married to someone else.
2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.
3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.
5. When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.
6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train.
7. Born free, taxed to death.
8. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
9. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.
10. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
12. It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.
13. I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.
14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.
17. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
18. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
19. Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!
20. If you can't convince them, confuse them.
21. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.
22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers
24. The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.
25. Someday is not a day of the week
26. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
27. To Err is human; to forgive is not a Company policy.
28. The road to success.... Is always under construction.
29. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.
30. In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.
31. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or married to someone else.
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